unworthy

This morning, I had the intent of telling you I am done. I can no longer participate in this life you’ve designed. It leaves me… Vulnerable. Exposed. I feel completely out of control of my circumstances and you, YOU don’t seem to have a care in the world. All you say is “All’s well” or “Trust me” or some other cliche phrase that doesn’t really answer my pressing questions, but rather attempts to pacify me for the moment.

And.

Seriously.

I’m kinda done.

I just want an answer. Any answer. To any of the billion of questions I’ve asked.

Just one answer.

I don’t even care if I won’t like the answer. I just want to know that an answer exist. One other than “be patient” or “just keep believing”. But that’s all I seem to be getting right now. And so I decided to tell you I’m through. I’m moving on. I can do better all by myself.

But as soon as I said your name and you answered, I felt your power over me start to work. You asked what was wrong. You… and your soothing voice. You listened patiently as I cried through my rehearsed speech. You didn’t ask me to stay. Instead, you asked, where will you go. I didn’t have an answer other than “away”.

And then… you reminded me of how much you love me. And all that you’ve done for me in the past and all the promises you’ve made for my future, our future together. You were clear, you would not force me to stay, but if I left you would pursue me in hopes I would one day return. And then you asked me if I loved you. With tears streaming down my face, barely able to breathe, I begin to sob. I didn’t want to answer. Of course I love you. More than life itself. But love doesn’t feel like enough. At least not for me.

And yet, instead of getting angry. Instead of just walking away, you reached out your arms and said, “it is for me. My deepest desire is simply to have you wholly love me. The rest… it’s just a bonus.”

I don’t understand. You wait so patiently. You love so freely. You pursue so relentlessly. And why? I ask. Because I do none of the above. In fact, I in turn threaten to leave because somehow I think the grass might be greener with someone else. But instead of telling me to leave you tell me you’ll come looking for me if I go.

I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve your kind of love. I don’t even deserve to speak your name. I am unworthy. And yet, you love me all the same. Why? No. Seriously. Why?

I am unworthy.